Following last night’s somewhat dark post I thought it would be good for me to reengage with my lighter side, thus forcing myself to take a walk on the sunny side of the street where I give the sun a chance to warm my reptilian skin. My mood today is like a cloudy day; I know its daylight, I know the sun is up there somewhere, but its a little obscured by what are nothing but transient puffs of insignificance which will disappear as soon as I have the balls to create a gust of spirit again. And that is this.
I’ve realized of late that I’m never so happy as when I am busy. To have endless plans to see friends, celebrate birthdays and eat (oh god how I love to eat) is to have meaning, a plan and something to focus on which has actual substance rather than seeking to give weight to things which are really quite trivial. We spend our lives on a huge spider’s web, different fibers linking us to different people, some days the web looks glorious, dazzling with the dew of a new morning looking like nature’s own snazzy chandelier. Those are the days when you forget the webs you walk through in dark damp areas, where they somehow get into your every orifice, choking you and instilling a sense of distrust for the dark. The web is full of peril, there are those on there whose tremblings can set you off course, careering to the edge of the safety net. Then there are those who flutter at the same frequency as you, and you both wobble along the spindly veins of life, supporting each other in your mutual ambiguity. The nature of the spider’s web is its endless paths, each leading to different outcomes, each connected with every other one. We live and we learn because its the most natural thing to do, they say the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time. This is why we learn. I cannot sit and spend hours wondering “Why, oh, why did it not work out. Why does this always happen to me…bitch bitch whine whine moan moan” .
So, for the foreseeable future I’m going to be selfish… But in a good way. I will do things purely to make myself happy, whether that’s getting a caramel iced coffee on the way to work, sitting in the sun at lunch time or deliberately eating four rounds of toast when I’m supposed to be cutting down on carbs. I will go to Zumba every week because it makes me feel awesome, I will go to rehearsals for the local musical, I will eat an entire chocolate bunny days before Easter because I can (and I’m literally doing that now, I lopped off its head so it can watch me eat its body…because I’m an absolute psychopath). This is the key to everything, self satisfaction, but never at the expense of others. One thing I won’t be is totally narcissistic. You know how you have those friends and it literally doesn’t matter what you’re doing, you are happy. You know the ones, the ones you can sit in total silence with and feel totally at ease, the ones who you can watch endless episodes of Buffy with, even though one of you is in South Wales and the other is in Berkshire. I’ve already done a couple of posts about how important my friends are, but I can’t help but continue.
PRAISE BE to my boys, the ones who listen to my endless, repetitive wailings and still want to hang out with me. GLORY IN THE HIGHEST to the girls who have known me since we were children and know me better than I do, who have watched me make the same mistakes over and over again and never judge me. Here’s to the ladies who have watched me lose my mind to the ash of the demon and claw it back again, who have endured my endless drivellings in silence and sympathy. It must be fucking exhausting being my friend; I wander through life like a drunken hobo, constantly embarrassing myself with these decisions and infatuations which I literally ALWAYS overcome (following a period of wallowing, of course). Now I reckon I have probably overcome this hiccup, for now. I can always manage to control myself to some extent, but I can’t control other people. Watch this space, something is always about to happen.